Our Fertility Journey Comes to an End

I almost didn't even have the strength to write this post after all the ups and downs over the last couple of months, but I figured I needed to end the chapter and turn the page. As it turns out, the last blood work that was at 85 was as high as it went. Once again, I ended up with a failed pregnancy at only 4 weeks. Then we started our final cycle in August and after two months of prep and dozens of shots, I had yet another devastating outcome that resulted in a biochemical pregnancy with a beta of only 36.6. The number dropped 48 hours later and that is why my decade of hopes and dreams of having a large family has finally come to an end. We have exhausted all our frozen embryos and the process to obtain more is costly and physically draining. Therefore, we say good-bye to RBA and the assistance that they provided to help us overcome the decade long battle we faced. Fortunately for us, all 7 cycles were not lost and on lucky #4, we got Myer. Looking back, I have come to realize how special he really is and it continues to amaze me that he made it here when so many others failed so quickly. As it turns out I was with my nephrologist when I got the news of the last and final pregnancy outcome, and he reassured me that I had done all I could and even more than others in my situation would have. He reminded me of the risks that I took to get Myer here and how honorable that was to potentially sacrifice my health for his. I guess that is just what a mother does, and that is why I was willing to do it again so Myer could grow up with a sibling. My doctor also made me realize just how blessed I am that Myer is a healthy, happy, and smart 4 1/2 year old because of all issues that can go along with kidney disease, preeclampsia, and pre-term labor. When you want something bad enough, you put blinders onto the world and shut all the negative out. I put my faith in God and He definitely answered with Myer, but what I didn't realize is that He was probably answering with all the failed attempts also. He was keeping me safe from all the harm to either myself or the baby that my doctor was trying to articulate. I know more than ever that Myer is my gift from God and I will continue to be reminded of that when I am feeling empty of not having anymore children. It will still hurt to see pregnant women and newborn babies, but at least I have the most adorable, loving, and sweet boy that calls me "mommy"!